i feel like if you’ve been on the internet in the past month, you’ve probably heard of this, but for some context: there was a recent tiktok trend that involved women asking the men in their lives how often they thought about the roman empire; most of them responded that they think about it multiple times per week or even per day. and while i do not think i’ve ever considered the roman empire for more than approximately 30 seconds in my entire life, there are many other things that take up way too much of my brain space, way too often. my own personal roman empires, essentially. let’s get to it!
the robot fight scene in eurotrip
first: if you’ve never seen this incredible movie, please go and watch it right away. it’s campy, hilarious, insanely stupid, and features so many lines that i still quote all the time to this day, including “this isn’t where i parked my car” and “mi scusi!”
anyway, there’s an absolutely absurd scene where the main character, scotty, has a fight with a french “robot” street mime in paris that goes on for far too long and has me on the floor every single time i see it, even 19 years later. i watched it again last night for the first time in forever and i was screaming and had tears in my eyes and my stomach hurt. the robot laugh is pure comedic genius.
kai, the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker
when i saw that netflix released a documentary on kai, the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker, earlier this year, i was shocked — primarily because i didn’t think anyone gave as much of a continual shit about him as i did. and while his story is ultimately very dark, i still think fondly of that first news story that brought him viral fame. SMASH SMASH SMASH!
“popozao” by kevin federline
“a brazilian ass shaker,” indeed. i’ve watched and listened to this so much that i’ve basically gaslighted myself into liking it, but tell me this song would not be a #1 club hit if pitbull or daddy yankee released it today. the quick backstory is that k-fed briefly tried and failed to launch a music career during his mr. britney spears era. his little conductor gestures starting at 1:43 give me life. he’s so incredibly proud of and committed to this terrible song and i honestly have to respect it. delulu is the solulu!
lenni frazier’s “you gotta believe” song & music video from ghostwriter
and speaking of awesomely bad songs, you haven’t lived until you’ve been higher than a bat’s ass and watching this, the most ‘90s music video of all time (perhaps only rivaled by joey lawrence’s “nothin’ my love can’t fix”), and cackling like a loon. ghostwriter was my absolute favorite show as a child, and i’m not ashamed to admit that i did not have one imaginary friend — i had the entire ghostwriter team as my guardian angels. if i remember correctly, this song was the result of a plotline in which lenni’s character gets a record deal with some bigshot exec named marl played by robin leach (RIP) who kept saying “let’s chat.” either way, it’s glorious.
the m&m pizza in the princess diaries
i’ve never seen such a thing before or since. where did this ludicrous idea come from?? was it just for the aesthetic, or did michael eat it? how did mia convince the pizza place to make this order? why did they happen to have m&ms on hand? the mind boggles. but OMG, in searching for the above photo, i discovered a thrillist article from 2 years ago that explains all of it! i can finally rest. phew.
santino rice’s impressions of tim gunn on season 2 of project runway
there will never, ever be a better project runway cast than season 2’s. you had daniel vosovic, one of the most gorgeous men i’ve ever seen (well, besides kai the hatchet-wielding hitchiker, that is…why he gotta be gay?!). you had hilarious wackadoo santino rice. you had loopy guadalupe. you had sassy zulema. and of course, you had aaaandrae. and no matter how many times i watch it, i am crying at santino’s spot-on impression of tim gunn and his ridiculous fan-fic style scenarios with andrae. dead.
the cinnamon toast crunch shrimp tails saga
have we ever gotten to the bottom of this? long story short: jensen karp, who happens to be married to danielle fishel (topanga from boy meets world) supposedly found lil’ shrimp bits in his cinnamon toast crunch cereal. CTC denied it. then it came out that karp wasn’t that great of a dude and he never tweeted again (now, his account is just gone altogether). was it a PR stunt for him? for cinnamon toast crunch? the world may never know. but i wanna!
the leprechaun in mobile, alabama
there is no news story that can ever top this one. ever. whether it was legit or just the community coming together to troll the news, it’s flawless from beginning to end. the guy’s goofy smile after “who all see the leprechaun, say yeaaaah!” the man directing traffic on a one-way street with his ancient “leprechaun flute” which is really some sort of scaffolding pipe. the woman who says it could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff. and my personal fave, the man who wants to uproot the tree. show me the gold. i want the gold! well, you gave us comedy gold, sir. and of course, the “amateur sketch” still sends me into orbit. no notes.
the “pancakes” scene in cabin fever
i will never forget watching this (pardon the pun) fever dream of a movie in a manchester, new hampshire theater with my friends in high school and wondering what the hell was happening the entire time. but this scene just took it all to a new level. it comes out of nowhere, with no context. i think about it constantly and it should go without saying that it’s the first thing that pops into my head any time someone mentions pancakes. immediate visions of roundhouse kicks and dennis. god bless.
this comment on my myspace left by an unidentified member of a random kentucky band i liked back then but didn’t know at all
i still have delusions about my secret internet admirer tracking me down and us running off into the southern sunset when in reality, he was probably drunk or stoned and spamming all the myspace girlies with blunt-cut bangs. but it’s still cute.
“come on be my baby tonight” from real world new orleans
i’ve annoyed everyone so much with this one for decades that it needs no explanation, but if you know, you know. if you don’t, watch the video above. squee-da-bu-dwee-da-bu-dweeeee.
these are hilarious omg number 11 giving me lifeee!