if you know me, you likely know that i’m preeetty close to obsessed with don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead, the cheesy cult classic film from 1991. it was by mere chance that i first saw it; a complete impulse rental from the video store inside the wegmans in liverpool, new york (basically, my version of “picture it: sicily, 1922”).
and though i’ve seen the movie approximately 150 times at this point and will never tire of it, i decided to kick back and settle in the other night after a long, whirlwind family wedding weekend to view it through a slightly more critical lens. and by that i mean after eating ~15mg of cannabis in the form of a few pieces of a peanut butter crunch candy bar, and typing little notes into my phone as i watched for as long as i could manage before i started to teeter on the brink of outer space, thought “wait…what?” every 10 seconds and had to take a break and listen to the mars volta. but wow, did i have some stunning revelations (not really, but it was very fun). i feel like maybe should this be an ongoing series with childhood fave movies? lemme know what you’d like covered.
in the opening scene, when sue ellen (played by christina applegate) and her girlies are shopping at the mall (sporting LEWKS, honey), i never paid much attention to this chick with the eclectic multicolored vest and v natural-beauty-topanga-lawrence vibes before, but she instantly became my summer style inspo. WHO IS SHE?!*
*IMDB told me that she is sarah buxton, and — how weird is this? — she just posted this very scene on her instagram on june 9!! cosmic.
before we move on: for the uninitiated, the general conceit of the movie is that an overworked mother of three youngish kids and two teenagers decides to go on a summer-long vacation to australia with her boyfriend, and leaves them with a militant elderly babysitter. some initial plot holes/questions here:
-wouldn’t you just trust both of your teenagers to look after the younger kids? why bother shelling out money for a babysitter?
-the babysitter dies of natural causes, but there are multiple references to the kids “turning themselves in” or like, getting in trouble for her dying as if they killed her? huhhh?
-the mom is 37. THIRTY-SEVEN. my current age. and we’re supposed to believe she has had five kids already?! i mean, it’s obviously possible, but dang, the math isn’t convincingly mathing. she also looks 50 IMO, but i guess having five kids by 37 will do that to ya.
however, we’re going to suspend our skepticism for the sake of enjoying the movie because regardless, it is incredible.
one of my favorite scenes in the movie is at the beginning, when the metalhead friends of the stoner brother, kenny, are catcalling sue ellen and she says, breezily, “in your dreams, babe.” yasss bitch. claiming this energy for myself always.
and speaking of the stoner brother and his metalhead friends, they were definitely a root cause of my questionable taste in men.
on the plus side, kenny gave me many amazing phrases that i quote frequently, including “dishes are done, man!” and “PMS city, man!” also, the specific “fuuuuck!” when the weed plant falls off of the windowsill and there’s a comically exaggerated shattering sound effect that had me cackling for a solid five minutes this time around.
DUDE. i somehow never realized this before, but is it supposed to be implied that mrs. sturak (babysitter) had a heart attack/died because of what she saw in kenny’s room?? because that is fucking hilarious if so! how did i never catch this? the youtube commenters seem to agree:
moving on. two random things my high brain hyper-fixated on:
the youngest child, walter, saying “alaska…container!” in the scene where he’s watching pictionary on TV, trying to guess the answer and i wrote in my notes, “alaska container: great obscure band name or instagram handle idea” which, like, yes…yes. still true in the light of day.
the gratuitous, vibrant flatlay zooms in food-related scenes (the mama celeste pizza box, the milk being poured into the big communal cap’n crunch bowl). shoutout to the cinematographer!
so anyway, the babysitter dies and had all of the money for the entire summer on her person — which the kids only realize after they drop her off at the funeral home.
to make ends meet, sue ellen (“swell”) initially gets a job at the delightfully tacky clown dog fast food restaurant, where we meet her cutie-patootie love interest, bryan.
in fact, introducing bryan and his delivery truck is essentially the only purpose of the clown dog interlude, because swell soon quits in a fit of fat-vat-scrubbing rage, doctors a resume filled with total lies, and heads out to get a job at a fashion design company.
my stoned-ness really highlighted the absolute ABSURDITY of the whole sequence of events in which swell is hired:
rose, her soon-to-be boss, comes out to the front desk, looking for the receptionist, carolyn, and starts describing her — very disparagingly — aloud for some reason?
swell hands her her resume, rose literally GLANCES at it for 20 seconds, and hires her on the spot as her executive assistant?? amazing. groundbreaking. love this for swell.
rose is a girlboss of the highest order (every time she asks for something, swell is asked to say “i’m right on top of that, rose!” and i even have a print of this phrase on my gallery wall). but she’s unfortunately dating a creeper named gus who’s way, way beneath her and who tries to hit on swell. the best comedic moment is when he takes her out to lunch and the waiter asks if she wants her martini sweet or dry and because she’s 17, she says, “oh, just a little bit of both!” bahaha.
as a child, it obviously went TOTALLY over my head when rose says “sue ellen, every girl over 25 should have a cucumber in her house,” but it has me dyinggg of laughter every time now. another great piece of rose/swell dialogue: “sue ellen, have you ever had a 48-hour orgasm?” “no, i’ve never been to santa barbara.”
while sue ellen is busy building her corporate empire through pawning off “QED reports” (to this day, nobody knows what they are) on other employees and stealing petty cash, her romance with bryan is blossoming in the background. my second favorite scene is when they’re bouncing together in the toy store. dream date, TBH:
BUT HERE’S THE DRAMA: bryan, whose sister is the receptionist at the company swell works for, doesn’t know that she’s the bitch who stole his sister’s job — and swell has been lying to him. uh-ohhhh.
of course, it all comes crashing down in spectacular fashion during another bananas scene in which swell hosts a full-scale fashion show at the family home that features her designs and is supposed to save the company. because when a corporation is in trouble, the first place they look is a random, unqualified 17 year-old!
that being said, she did have a good eye. always and forever obsessed with this hot pink nurse outfit and hope to recreate it someday.
while all of this has been happening, brother kenny was getting his julia child on and apparently got so good that he cut his damn hair and catered the entire damn event, presumably motivated by his crush on pink nurse outfit girl (nicole):
obvi, the mom comes home in the middle of this chaos, and in another WTF moment, swell basically tells her to STFU and go upstairs and go to sleep?? and she listens to her? this mom is the absolute worst mom of all time. she is a cardboard cutout of a mom. get some backbone, lady!
of course, everything is wrapped up in a nice little bow at the end: bryan forgives swell for her lies, rose forgives swell for her lies (and offers her a “real” job because apparently no one cares that she is still a minor), the mom forgives swell for her lies, kenny goes to culinary school, gus gets watergunned in the crotch, and swell turns down rose’s offer in favor of going to college.
simply put, don’t tell mom has everything you could want in a movie: stunning ‘90s fashion, an unhinged plot, close-ups of chili dogs, a pre-party montage set to upbeat rock music that features a metalhead chiseling an ice sculpture, david duchovny as a greasy villain named bruce, and drag queens stealing a car in front of a chuck e. cheese. whether under the influence or not, i highly recommend you view this cinematic gem and time capsule. it’s streaming on max!
Embarrassed to say I’ve never seen this! That needs to change! (5 kids by 37 😱😱😱!!)